In mechanics, there is a force and always an opposition force. Imagine not having friction, and you won’t be able to walk because you would be only sliding like on ice. I play with this thought in human psychology: what if what we really want is the opposite to what we believe we want? Or what if we want both the opposites at the same time? I know, it might sound crazy, but let’s explore this though the lens of one of my clients!
Recently, I worked with a successful tech leader who came to coaching looking for clarity about her next career move. She wanted direction, a career plan and space to explore an exciting opportunity that could significantly change her professional and financial future.
Do you take it or not?
An important question, certainly. But as we began exploring, it became clear that the decision was only the surface of something much deeper.
Beneath the ambition, achievements and strategic considerations, there was a longing. A desire to express more of herself. To explore her gifts, talents and creativity. To discover what might become possible beyond the identity she had spent years building.
And alongside that longing, there was fear. Two sides, two opposites meeting each other like in mechanics. If you are exploring only one, you are doing half of the necessary work. Below you can find an exercise that helps you to understand the opposing forces in your situation better.
She longed and at the same time she feared making the wrong choice. She feared being judged. She feared allowing herself to receive something wonderful that could later be taken away.
The fear of exposing something deeply human and vulnerable in a world where competence, confidence and control are so highly valued.
What happens when certainty disappears?
In my coaching work, I'm curious not only about what people want to achieve, but also about what drives them.
What are we moving towards? And what might we be running away from? Again, the idea of the opposites.
Sometimes our ambition is fuelled by curiosity, purpose and genuine desire. Sometimes it is also an attempt to escape uncomfortable feelings: inadequacy, sadness, resentment, grief or the fear of not being enough. Often, both are present.
As we explored my client's patterns, we noticed that whenever she experienced a lack of control or certainty, her whole system seemed to respond. Her energy scattered in every direction. She described herself as being all over the place.
At work, she could appear composed, professional and focused. She knew how to lead meetings, make decisions and handle complexity.
But when she looked at her life as a whole, it felt like a hurricane. And it was exhausting.
There was a striking contrast between her ability to manage complexity in the external world and what she experienced internally.
She knew how to perform under pressure, solve problems and keep moving forward. But what happened when there was nothing she could solve immediately? What happens when the next step is not obvious?
Learning to exist when everything is good
As our conversations unfolded, another longing began to emerge.
She wanted to be able to stay with herself and in that way become a leader who holds the space for others. But in the first place, she had to hold herself through uncertainty rather than immediately reaching for control, answers or action. To feel grounded even when things around her, or within her, were turbulent.
And then she came to a particularly interesting realisation. She knew very well how to exist when she was anxious, busy or fighting for something. But she was still learning how to exist when she was calm.
I keep coming back to this thought.
We tend to assume that calmness is our natural destination. That if we could just reduce the stress, quiet the mind and resolve our problems, we would finally feel at ease.
But what if calmness itself feels unfamiliar?
What if striving, anticipating problems and staying busy have become such familiar ways of living that we no longer quite know how to be without them? It is a part of an identity. Perhaps, for some of us, the challenge isn't only learning to manage stress. It's learning how to inhabit a different way of being.
Practising the ability to stay
We began exploring this through the body. Yoga Nidra. Breathing practices. Savasana. Moments of stillness in which there was nothing to achieve, solve or optimise.
It wasn't easy! If you want to challenge an over-achiever give him/her a task to watch the clouds for 10 minutes. For someone used to doing, achieving and moving forward, doing seemingly nothing could be surprisingly challenging. Relaxation wasn't something she could simply command herself to experience. And this was another important insight for our work.
Instead of immediately trying to change her experience, she was practising being present with it, being present with the resistance.
Not forcing calmness. Not eliminating uncomfortable feelings. But gradually becoming more familiar with what happened when she stopped trying to control every internal experience.
This distinction matters because we often talk about stress management and emotional regulation as ways to become calmer, more focused and more effective. And these are valuable abilities. But I think there is another dimension that deserves just as much attention.
The capacity to remain connected to ourselves even when we cannot control what is happening. Not changing the state immediately, but living through what is present.
To feel fear without immediately needing to eliminate it.
To experience uncertainty without forcing a premature decision.
To notice discomfort without automatically interpreting it as a sign that something is wrong.
To allow conflicting feelings to coexist without having to resolve them instantly.
This is not about becoming passive or accepting situations that need to change.
Quite the opposite.
When we no longer need to spend so much energy fighting our internal experience, we may find more space to respond to what is actually happening. Then we go into changing our state. Sometimes that means taking action. Sometimes it means setting a boundary, asking for help or allowing a question to remain open a little longer. And sometimes it means making an important decision while still feeling uncertain.
The ability to rest within yourself
On the surface, this coaching journey was about a career decision and a path forward. Underneath, we were exploring something that could support her far beyond this particular choice. The ability to rest within herself. Not because everything around her was stable. And maybe it will never be. Not because she had eliminated fear or uncertainty, and not because she could guarantee that every decision would turn out well. No. Instead she was beginning to develop a different relationship with herself.
A relationship in which uncertainty didn't always require immediate action, where calmness could be explored rather than forced, where she could give herself permission to choose without guarantees.
I've been reflecting on this experience while writing my book on self-leadership. We often associate leadership with action, decisiveness and the ability to move forward. But what about our capacity to stay without numbing?
To remain connected to ourselves when the future is unclear.
To experience calm without immediately filling it with another task.
To allow joy without anticipating its loss.
To make choices without demanding guarantees.
This is what I mean by the ability to rest within yourself.
Not a permanent state of tranquillity, but a relationship with yourself that can hold uncertainty, ambition, vulnerability and possibility.
Perhaps the deepest form of self-trust isn't knowing that everything will work out.
Perhaps it is knowing that you don't have to abandon yourself when it doesn't.
And perhaps the ability to rest within yourself is not the opposite of ambition.
Perhaps it is what allows ambition to become more sustainable, more creative and more genuinely your own.
I'm currently writing a book exploring self-leadership, our relationship with the body and how we develop the inner capacity to navigate uncertainty. This article is part of that exploration.
A question for reflection: When life becomes uncertain, what happens within you? Do you reach for control, action, distraction or something else? And what would it mean to stay with yourself for a moment before responding?
Deep Work: An exercise to explore the opposites in a tricky situation that you might be facing
I found this exercise through Shakti Mari Malan’s work and can warmly recommend her books.
Part 1. Identifying polarities
Purpose: To identify all the polarised states that exist for you in a situation or with a person who is significant or difficult to get along with.
You will need: A processing manual or some sheets of paper and apen.
Preparation: Notice a situation or person which evokes a strong response in you and use this experience as material for the exercise. Begin by writing a full description of the person or the situation. Use as many descriptive words as you can. No self-censoring. Express all your emotions and states of mind.When you are done, go through your writing and underline each of the words/phrases that have any weight or charge for you – whether negative or positive. These can be adjectives, nouns or verbs. Fold a paper in half. On the left-hand side, list all the words/phrases you have underlined. On the right-hand side, write down the opposite of the words/phrases you have written on the left. Take a moment to reflect. Notice that these opposite states of mind exist in your life and that they are creating polarity in you.
Part 2. Doing squares
Purpose: To identify and integrate the desires and fears that constellate around a specific polarity.
You will need: Paper and pen and a whiteboard and whiteboardpen.
Preparation: Identify a polarity that is strongly acting out in your life. You may want to use one of the polarities you identified in the previous exercise. Choose one that feels strong for you at the moment or one that has come up strongly for you in life or work. Examples are trust/betrayal, freedom/captivity, being right/wrong, being attractive/unattractive, being unmotivated/motivated.
You need four pages/columns/blocks to do this exercise. You can, for instance, fold a piece of paper lengthwise and then across to create four squares. (However, this usually does not give you enough space to write).
Write the following heading at the top of the first square/column/page: Desire to be ... (and then name one side of your polarity). For example: Desire to besuccessful.
Write at the top of the second square/column/page: Fear of being ...(and then write the same word that you had written in the first heading). For example: Fear of beingsuccessful.
Write at the top of the third square/column/page: Desire to be ...(and then name the other side of your polarity). For example: Desire to be unsuccessful.
Write at the top of the fourth square/column/page: Fear of being ...(and then write the same word that you had in the third heading). For example: Fear of being unsuccessful.
Now that you have your headings, begin to make lists under them. In the first square (top left), you would explore all the reasons why you want to be successful. List them in simple, short words or phrases. Don’t censor yourself. Write as many words as you can find. Do the same for each of the other squares.
Tip: It’s a good idea to start with the square that you can most relate to (e.g. desire to be successful). This will help you to get going. You will probably find that at least one of the four squares seems difficult to complete.
In our example, for instance, most people would initially find it difficult to see why anyone would desire to be unsuccessful. But if you look carefully, you will be amazed to see how much you find there.The more thoroughly you explore each aspect of the polarity, the deeper the release will be. It is important to do this exercise on paper and not just in your head. Writing things down helps with the process of manifesting – and manifesting new realities is what we’re after here.